Eleven/Nine

There is a wall hanging sitting on our dining room table that I need to put up.  It's been there for over a month, but there it sits, just waiting to be hung.  It reads:  

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.  

Some days I never see it, because like many formal dining rooms, the table goes unused.  But the message is a good one for me to read, given that I tend to have a predilection toward things like Self-pity.  Cynicism.  Worst case scenario-ism.  Glass-half-empty-ism.  A reminder about thankfulness is a something I probably need to see more than just "occasionally," and probably in more ways than just a sign on the wall.

Alas.

The sign sits on my dining room table because I can't find a place to hang it.  Things would have to move, wall decor would need rearranged.  It sits on my dining room table because I don't have time to think about where to put it.  It sits on my dining room table, along with a pile of other things, because I don't feel like dealing with it.  

Every year, November 9th comes, and I also don't want to deal with it (my birthday does not top the MY Favorite Things list, obviously).  Post-apocalyptic politics aside, every year I approach November 9th with feelings that vary from a rolling-my-eyes "fine, I'll tolerate this day" to an all out, anger-filled "I hate this day with vigor."  Unfortunately, this year leaned more toward he latter.  I took the Facebook notification off, I told close friends to not bother, and I didn't tell "new" friends anything at all.  And for the most part, I've spent the entirety of November 9th grumpily wishing it was already November 10th.  Put all these wishes of a "happy day" behind me and get on with business of cleaning bathrooms and mopping floors.  The fact that this one day is supposed to somehow magically be better than all the other days just makes it worse in comparison.  Which just reeks of self-pity.  Cynicism.  Glass-half-empty-ism.  

And then, in my cleaning, I passed the "thankful" sign, sitting among the pile of crap-I-don't-want-to-deal-with, there on the dining room table.  It stared at me - I dare say it mocked me.  So I went over and read it.  And re-read it.  And I thought about it.  And I re-thought about it.  And I might have told that sign some choice words for trying to make me feel better and thankful about November 9th, when all I really wanted to do was angrily move right along to November 10th, thankyouverymuch.  I showed that sign how mad I was at it by putting on my shoes and heading to my hair appointment in a huff.  

But when I walked outside, it was gorgeous.  Like sunshine-and-mid-50s-autumn gorgeous.  Like the kind of gorgeous you dream of in Central Illinois.  Like the kind of gorgeous that never happens on November 9th.  THANKFUL.

I wasn't supposed to have a hair appointment in the first place, actually, but  I left a message for Shelly LAST NIGHT and she randomly had a cancellation THIS AFTERNOON, so she said "yes, please come and let me help your hair look pretty."  THANKFUL.

I'm sitting here now, in the warm, gorgeous sunshine, watching the 4 year old play with a paper airplane - the same one he's been playing with ALL DAY.  He's running around the yard, making up his own little world with leaves and trees and bushes and his plane he's so happy to have.  THANKFUL.  

I have friends and family who genuinely want me to have a happy, special day, no matter how grumpy I am about it.  THANKFUL.

And the list could go on and on.  THANKFUL.

Ironically enough, Thanksgiving is fast approaching and we are hosting, which means it is time for the formal dining room to shine.  Something is gonna have to be done with the "thankful" sign (along with the accompanying pile of things I need to deal with, *sigh*).  I'm sure it will be a last minute decoration change, and will cause me a lot of stress and anxiety, which will lead to multiple nail holes (which then causes John a bit of stress and anxiety.  So it goes.)   We will find a place, because it is a good reminder.  A necessary reminder.  Because although I am still unhappy at November 9th, the hatefulness is dissipating and I can see the other side.  THANKFUL.